Unmet Expectations
Yesterday, Vicki and I celebrated our 29th anniversary. It was a good day, but it didn’t go as expected.
We were on our way to a simple evening out with good food and you know…the rest of the stuff. We ended up taking one of our kids to the ER. We would prioritize the evening the same way again if necessary. It just didn’t go as expected.
That’s been the pattern of life.
When I was little, I expected to be super rich and live in the mountains. I had no idea how I was going to get rich and I didn’t care. Today I live close to the mountains. Not super rich. It didn’t go as expected.
I expected to be a ab model. I have a friend who is an ab model. That didn’t go as expected.
After college Vicki and I set out to enter a lifetime of rewarding full-time ministry. I was going to be a pastor then maybe move into denominational leadership. We did just that for 24 years and it was rewarding for the most part. It was also very hard. I could write volumes about it, but to sum it up…it didn’t go as expected.
Life after having a stroke did not meet my expectations.
Vicki and I have a great marriage. We are committed to each other and trust each other. We believe the best about each other and enjoy our time together. But it hasn’t gone as expected.
Life is like that, isn’t it? In fact, I would say that’s the story of our lives. “It didn’t go as expected.” At least not up to this point. I just thought it would be different than what it is right now. There are so many things I would change if I could. There are so many more things that I’m incredibly grateful for.
In many ways, I got close to much of what I was expecting, but for the most part I got something better. Growth.
The Opportunity of Unmet Expectations
Growth happens when things don’t go as expected.
Unmet expectations are the primary reason for conflict in just about every category of life. Marriage and relationships, career, finances, religion, physical issues…you name it. Unmet expectation cause frustration and angst. We have three lymbic responses to them. Freeze, flight or fight.
Freeze - This is full acceptance that things just aren’t going to happen the way you want them to. While there is wisdom in accepting this fact, a resignation into the way things are has never been acceptable to me.
Flight - Run away. Divorce your spouse. Quit your job. Disbelieve. Tell yourself you’d rather be fat and happy. Every situation is different and I’ve definitely had times when the best thing to do was to leave. But simply leaving to avoid conflict or just because of conflict is normally the easy way out and unproductive for life.
Fight - I’m not talking about diving into conflict with the goal of winning and someone else losing. This is about staying the course and giving your situation every opportunity for success and growth. It means you are committed to the best possible outcome. It means you are becoming the best possible you.
Fighting for your marriage/relationships, your success in business, your faith and your health is only necessary when things have not gone as expected.
A common response to all of this is discouragement that can lead to depression. If that’s you, I want you to know that I’ve been there. I want to encourage you to get help and not give up.
Keep fighting.
Keep believing.
Keep moving.
It may seem like one step forward and two steps back at times, but I have hope that life will get better if you and I keep going. There were times when the only prayers I could muster were “God, I believe in you and I trust you.” Sometimes there were so many things to bring to God but I just couldn’t find any words, so I would pray the Lord’s Prayer from rote memory just to be saying something to him.
Change Your Perspective
Unmet expectations are necessary and good. They don’t make for happy times right away and usually involve some kind of conflict. But when you embrace the opportunity for growth and approach it with that mindset, you will develop new, realistic expectations that will probably be more fulfilling when they become reality.
